Life Love and {e}Lectro

Apparently, the women on my father's side (the italian girls) all had a history of obsessing over boyfriends or husbands and then ruining their relationships (and their lives) because of it.

Sadly, I have fallen under that same category but at least I am aware of it.

True, I have dated some pretty crappy guys in my life but I shouldn't have let it get to me. I should've realized my own worth and stepped back the second I became unhappy.

Now I am seeing someone (although not very seriously) and I am facing the same feelings of unsubstantial jealousy and possessiveness although the person is definitely not someone who is long term potential.

This is where this family curse ends.

I started catching myself being possessive and just stepped back. I did it right now! I am very proud of myself and it is a first step. Possession is not a way to show love.

When he leaves I want to be the same person I was when he came. Just like a feather in the wind guys will come and go. At least this is a good learning experience.

:)

That's a quote from a song that is my life motto.
:)

I caught myself doing something I swore I would never do!

A few days ago I was sitting with my friends at a local restaurant and a girl was standing nearby. She was a larger girl and she was wearing shorts. I usually would not have thought something so negative but I caught myself saying that I couldn't believe that she would go out in shorts when her legs look like that.

WTF. seriously??

I was so pissed off at myself later on when I thought about it but I realized that the company that I have been keeping has started to reflect on the way I act with others.

I started hanging out with more girls lately and at first I was really wary about hanging out with them because all they would talk about was other people and what they didn't like about them.
They spent most of their time putting others down and I would try to convince them that there was no real point in doing that but that just made things worse. People who talk crap about others don't like to be told that they are making a big deal out of nothing. When I would tell them to get over it they would start complaining to me and would blow it completely out of proportion.

After a couple of incidents like this I just gave up on trying to convince them and I just started letting them say what they wanted.
I was trying to be a good friend but honestly, I didn't see how much it was affecting me until recently.

I started to become more aware of people judging me and have avoided doing things i love (like dancing) because I worried that people would have fodder for making fun of me.

I started becoming more sensitive to criticism and to jokes made at my expense.

Then the last and worst thing to come from this was my adaptation of these girls' behavior. I started catching myself gossiping about other people instead of trying to say nice things. I would bring up things (true and untrue) about others in conversation that were not positive.

I realized that the negative things the girls said about other people had caused me to lose self esteem even though it wasn't about me. I started to feel sad because I wasn't feeling free and confident enough to be myself. All of this caused me to look for another outlet to make myself happy and that turned out to be talking about others.

Basically, I know this is something I need to stop in its tracks. I don't want to become that person and I won't let it happen without a fight.

And I am going to stop trying to be a "good friend" to people who are vicious towards others. They can be smug with their own company. I know they are self conscious too but I can't help them stop their behavior unless they are willing to listen.

So hopefully this will put me back on the path to being a self confident and loving person again.

I am about three hours away from finals and I can not sleep
I was supposed to learn "bella's lullaby" on piano for the final

why is there no multiple choice in piano class!! gjlkjfisojiofdjdsiojkl grrrr

and my dad is sitting near me smacking a popsicle. not eating. smacking.

kfjsiofjdsfjslkfjsdlfjsdkjdlkjfdskljfklsjfldj

can't sleepppppp

stop being awesome before I kidnap you
and yes, yann tiersen. YOU'RE NEXT.
i was gonna let you go but then you came out with "la rade."

oh why oh why must you make my life so good.
hahaa

damien_saez.jpg

Okay I neglect my blog just like I neglect everything and everyone else in my life haha
I can't help it! Seriously I have social ADD. I sometimes feel that I don't have the desire to maintain relationships. I am just waiting for something for someone to say to make me laugh and then I disappear into the horizon to use that line on everybody else I meet.

Okay okay so here's what I think. I think that there is a way to get out of becoming an office space-ish type casualty. I think there is a way to get out of doing all the stuff you hate in the world and just live everyday having a good time. I seriously believe this! Which may mean that I have a personality disorder (can you believe that fantasizing is considered a symptom for many personality disorders? pshaw!)

but I don't believe I do. I think I have a plan. The fact is that a person believes that they must be constantly looking forward and planning so that they can have a good future. They forget that there is a world right in front of them. They forget that sometimes there are opportunities sitting on platters for them. They forget or don't believe in a little thing called fate.

Here's an example.

Me and my friend Sean Arthur were in Paris. We are dying of thirst but we did not want to leave the place we were at because we were going to miss the huge parade. I distinctly remember Sean saying "God I wish I had a bottle of water." All of a sudden a guy came up to us SPEAKING PERFECT ENGLISH and asked Sean if he wanted a bottle of water. Sean asked how much it is and the guy said that it was free.

Pessimists call this coincidence. I believe that this is called fate. It's God's way of saying "Hey dude, don't worry about anything. I got it all taken care of."

There's nothing that we need to do in life except grab at those opportunities! I remember when I was going through a bad time living in poverty on my own accord in Van Nuys, CA. I finally called my parents one night with a realization that I needed to go home. I was broke and empty and I felt like there was nothing that I could offer anyone at all. My parents love me though and they picked me up and took me home.

Not two seconds after I stepped into the house the phone rings and it is for me. A job that I had applied for a YEAR AGO called me and asked me to come in for an interview. And this wasn't just a regular McDonald's-esque job. This was a high end sushi restaurant located in a really nice part of town. I had never waitressed in my life but they gave me the job saying "we are not people to turn down someone who wants a chance."

This is what life is about. It isn't about taking the world on your shoulders and trying to carry your misery and burden all by yourself. It's about throwing every burden off and strutting forward and knowing that God has got your back.

Next post- How to keep people from bringing you down.

I can not even describe. I planned to write out a little blog at least once a day to preserve the memory but life went by so fast there that I barely had time to take a breath.

Oh good news though. I broke up with the horrible boyfriend who caused so many whiny hate filled blogs located at the bottom of the page. I broke up with him in Paris. Kind of sucks for him but I realized that I didn't need to be unhappy. I had everything beautiful in the world right in front of me and a boyfriend on the phone whining about his problems.

I felt bad at first. But now I have accepted the fact that sometimes you have to hurt the ones you love in order to meet your destiny.

My mom hates when I say that but it's true.

My next goal is to get the hell out of here (California) and go to where I feel I am called. I want to go to Northern Ireland. I feel a calling and an awakening. I feel a purpose set out for me there and I don't know what that purpose is.

All I know is that I am waiting for my moment. Waiting for God to open the door that will allow me entrance into this destiny.

My mom doesn't want me to leave. My sister just got married and I am the only kid in the house now.

I completely understand and I wish there was a way I could be in two places at once. Only thing is that I was born with my mother's heart and my father's compulsion.

I have to run where I am needed and I have to do everything I can to change the lives of people around me.

People can not go there whole life without a spark to show them there is something beautiful in the world. Something more then the awfulness around them.

I still have an ember of that spark from Paris. I want to share it with the world.

Bonjour mes amis!

I have been in Paris for approximately 1 1/2 to 2 days and I have already learned quite a few things about Paris.

1st of all- NEVER feed the birds. they are fat and insane and they will attack you if they think you are weak. do not tempt them with food. Lol

2. Paris has some of the fattest pigeons i have ever seen and to add on to that, the fattest pigeon poop i've ever seen as well.

3. Coca Cola costs the equivalent to 6 american dollars if bought in a restaurant.

4. French people will not like you if you feed the pigeons. lol sorry i had to come back to that point.

5. The French love flowers. They are hanging off vines, sitting on porches, they are beautiful and all over the place

6. If you talk loudly EVER (including when outdoors) people will know you are a tourist and more importantly, an American. Which is not such a good thing over there.

The journey has been swell so far. There is going to be a football (soccer) match tonight with France against Italy (again!) and we are going to be watching it at a local sports bar near the Bastille. We are going to Giverny and Rouen tommorow to see Monet's garden (jardin in francais) and some other sights.

The thing I like best about the trip so far is that the city buildings are so romantic looking- by this I mean that the architecture is so different from anything I have ever seen. They are cottage like and traditional in a sense. My room is fabulous because the locks are old and rusted and I feel like I am living in a dream world whenever I go in and smell the lavender scent that pervades every nook and cranny.
I find it very humorous that the dorm is coed however. Luckily, there is a one person bathroom otherwise I would never be able to get up the nerve to go to the bathroom knowing that there would be men in there as well.

So I will try to think of more stuff to say but I know it sounds terrible because my thoughts are all jumbled. I am still jet lagged and I will try to make more sense later. lol

Thanks for reading along with my journey!
Oh, and I'll have pictures up eventually.

    to make room for the 30 days in Paris segment that I will begin on July 16th. I will be leaving LAX on Sunday night and I will begin my first journey thrust out in the world all by my lonesome in order to find meaning to my life and to prove that I can survive on my own. I will post pictures and bloggies as often as possible but I will be very busy learning conversational French and celebrating French holidays, etc.

So Allez-y!

Maggie

I am extremely downtrodden that I am one of those people who do not know who the hell they are. I do not know if I am the only one but I feel like I am. I do not have strengths that I can see. I do not have interests. I find things that stimulate me for a moment and then I just get bored. When I look back at what I used to be stimulated by I feel disgust and hatred that something so meaningless was so consuming to my life. Even sex, if you find that hard to believe, disgusts me when I look back at all the time I wasted on the subject.

I've come to believe that I am either on the verge of an enlightening breakthrough or I'm about to go bounding deep into insanity.

I hate my life but I don't want to die without knowing what the purpose is here.

I want to dismantle society but I still want my air conditioner at 78 in the summer.

The ideals in my mind make me hate the limitations of my body.

I want to fight but I don't want to be hit.

I want to kill but I don't want the guilt.

I want to love but I don't want to be naive.

There just doesn't seem to be a place in this world for me. It seems that i am defined by how many people agree with me instead of by my own standards. I'm just throwing out fish for  a world of seals and hoping that you all clap for me.
But strangely enough, you may not exist. People may not exist.

I'm just waiting for the tape recording of an audience hooting clapping cheering.
But nothing exists except me and my insecurities.